Friday Funnies

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It has been so long since I've done a "Friday Funnies" post, but I've been saving up some good ones to share!




I said to the boys, "After breakfast you need to go straight to the couch and get dressed."  Micah replied, "Mom, the couch isn't straight.  If you want me to go to the couch then I need to go straight and then turn left."

Jaden and I were talking about how he came into our bed and fell asleep in the middle of the night. When I asked him why, his eyes got really big and he whispered, "Because I was infinity and one scared!"

We were at Target in the food section when we passed the donuts. Jaden shouted excitedly, "Mom!  You should buy donuts so we can play church!!"

Martin was talking to the boys about their memory verse, Galatians 5:22.  He asked them what "Goodness" means.  Jaden replied, "It means, like, 'Oh my gosh!'"

Jaden told me he had a "girl dream" last night. I wasn't sure what that meant, so I said, "What girls were in  your dream?"  He replied, "Strawberry Shortcake, and Dora and Boots."  "And what were you all doing?" I asked.  He replied, "We were finding deer and shooting them to eat them!!"

Micah was helping me do laundry and I asked him to put Martin's boxers in the washing machine.  Micah asked, "Why does daddy wear underwear for boxing?  Wrestlers wear pants."

When the boys want to play a game against each other, they are often overheard asking, "Can I verse you?"  (play versus you)

Jaden walked in the bathroom as I was getting undressed to hop in the shower. He took one look at me and exclaimed, "What are those big things?"

And the winner of the week goes to Jaden for this conversation:

We were driving and Jaden asked, "Where does milk come from again, mom?"  I replied, "Cows, Jaden."  He quickly responded, "and boobs too, right?"

Meeting Celebrities (aka "Looking Like a Fool")

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Today I read this post by Jon Acuff on the Stuff Christians Like blog, about meeting Michael W. Smith in an airplane. It made me laugh out loud, because I have a knack for meeting famous people and then looking like a total idiot.  Here are a few of the people I have had a pleasure meeting, along with a few stories of how I completely embarrassed myself:

- Kevin Costner.  Kevin was the first celebrity I remember meeting.  My family was on vacation in Mammoth and he and his family were sitting at the table next to us.  My dad and my dad's friend Joe leaned over and started talking to him, and he was very courteous to us.  We even got a picture with him after dinner.

- Bryan Duncan. As a teenager I was obsessed with Bryan Duncan and wrote him fan letters frequently.  I have a picture of me in Yosemite at around age 13 wearing a neon pink shirt that said "Bryan D!" I chased him down at Jesus Northwest as a young teenager and overwhelmed him with my valley-girl-esque banter:  "Bryan!  It's me, Jaimie!  Do you remember me???  I write you letters all the time and I have even gotten your postcards!  Do you need any backup singers?  I've been writing songs; do you want to see any of them?"  He was a nice guy.

-Dr. Phil and Robin Mcgraw.  About 7 years ago I was on the Dr. Phil show as part of a series called "Booty Camp."  I was on the show 3 times, and only got to meet him the second we were on the air and he was talking with me.  He had been rather harsh on the person before me, so during the commercial break I whispered, "Please be nice to me!"  He had a field day with that, and told everyone on air that I had said that during the break!  He was nice after all.  I also spent a whole day with Robin getting a makeover (with the other 3 girls chosen to be on the show). She is super sweet and I was too nervous to say much to her!

-Chuck Smith.  Chuck Smith is a pastor of a gigantic church in Costa Mesa.  I saw him in line at a coffee shop and said, "Hi Pastor Chuck!  You may not remember me, but my name is Jaimie and my dad used to work for you!"  He asked about my dad, said he remembered him, and then took a bite out of his ice cream cone.  There was an awkward silence and he probably saw me staring at his ice cream because he asked me, "Do you want a bite of my ice cream?"  (I was thinking, "Um, Chuck Smith just asked me if I want a bite of his ice cream!!!!")  Without even thinking, I replied, "Sure!" and he tilted it toward me.   The answer is YES, I took a bite like a total moron!  So embarrassing.

- Christy Nockels.  I stood in a long line at the MOPS convention to get a CD signed by Christy Nockels.  My palms got sweaty as I waited.  When it came to my turn, I had no idea what to say to her.  "Um, hi!  Does your mouth hurt from smiling so much?  Mine would!  I was wondering if you could sign this for my best friend?  She is your biggest fan.  I bought this CD for her."  (Not me, mind you, I'm not your biggest fan - I bought it for her because she is your biggest fan!).  I went on, "My husband is a worship leader, just like you! He writes songs too.  They haven't been published yet, but I just think it would be so fun to travel all over and do worship!"  Awkward silence.  Polite nods from Christy.  "Um, okay, nice meeting you!"  Yeah, I'm classy.  I know.

-Twila Paris.  Poor lady.  When I was about 16 I gave her a side hug and accidentally put my whole hand on her breast.  I violated Twila Paris!  I was mortified but she acted like she didn't notice.

When Martin and I met Michael W. Smith and Amy Grant, he asked me to snap a picture of them. I was so excited that I did it too fast, and got one shot when both of them were blinking.  We didn't realize it until the film was developed.  Another classic Jaimie moment!

So, if you're with me and we see a celebrity, just RUN.  I won't be offended.  In fact, make me run away with you so I won't further embarrass myself.  Leave me a comment and let me know if you've ever met a celebrity too!

Friday Funnies

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I'm warning you, most of the humor in my house these days has to do with the potty or farting.  Boys!  
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Jaden loves to put new words to songs we listen to.  He heard the song on the radio by Chris Tomlin that says,

"Where You go, I'll go

Where You stay, I'll stay

Where You move, I'll move

I will follow You"

At breakfast today he sang,

"Where you pee, I'll pee,

Where you poop, I'll poop,

Where you fart, I'll fart,

I will pee on you"

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Jaden is just obsessed with talking about pee, poop and farts.  He told Micah that he had a dream about farting, and Micah replied, "That sounds like a private parts dream, Jaden."  (We frequently tell them to stop talking about private parts).

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I was at Costco with Jaden and we were eating in the food court.  He saw an older man eating by himself and said, "Mommy, look! That man is lonely!"  

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Micah finished going to the bathroom and said, "These are the only things you can touch with your germs after going to the bathroom: the toilet flusher, your underwear, your pants, the soap, and the faucet. That's it."  I said, "Wow, Micah!  How did you know that?  Did Ms. S teach you that?"  He replied, "No, Mommy! I just knew that!"

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Micah was taking a shower and I cautioned him to not get soap in his eyes or it would burn.  He asked, "Why?  Is it made out of heat?"
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I told Jaden we were having pizza for dinner and he said, "YES!  Is it macaroni (pepperoni) or cheese?"
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Micah told us numerous times that he did not want to go to school on St. Patrick's Day.  Finally I asked him, "Are you afraid that a leprechaun is going to be there?"  Through tears he said, "Yes!  And he's going to pinch me!"  We explained that leprechauns are not real and he didn't need to be afraid; plus, he'd be wearing green anyway.

After I picked him up, he said, "I told all the kids that leprechauns are not real, and that the green footprints in the room were just paint!"  :)

$5, 5-Minute Spring Wreath

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I am participating in The Stories of A to Z link up party called "Tutorials & Tips Tuesday!"




Spring officially begins on Sunday, March 20th and I've been wanting a new wreath to hang in our house.  I went to the Dollar Tree and found the supplies to make a quick, $5 wreath in only about 5 minutes!


The Supplies:
- 1 medium sized wreath (they carry 3 sizes)
- 4 colored branches
- Wire cutters
- Glue gun
- Ribbon

The Steps:

1) Using the wire cutters, cut apart each stem from the base of the "flowers".

2) Place in the wreath, clock-wise, alternating your colors

3) Taking the glue gun, drop dabs of glue lightly to keep the stems in place in the wreath  (you can apply the glue first, but I wanted to place my branches first to see how it looked).

4) Cut about a 12" length of ribbon, and glue the ends of the ribbon to the back of the wreath, about 6 inches apart.
5) Hang and admire your creation!

Friday Funnies

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I was helping Micah get his pajamas on when he asked, "What is that smell?"  Martin and I asked, "What smell?" and he said, "I don't know.  Mommy, come closer."  He pulled me close to him and leaned in to my armpit.  "Lift your arm up," he said.  "Now move closer."  "THAT smell!" he exclaimed.  "That stinks!"
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Micah:"I have a lot of poop in my body today, mommy."
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Micah was looking at a poster of all of the US coins.  He said, "Who are these guys?"  I explained that they were presidents.  He looked at the dollar coin and asked, "Who is that lady?  Why does she have a baby on her back?"  Then he looked at the quarter and saw a picture of a horse on the back - "Is that a bad guy riding that horse?"  Earlier in the day he explained to me that there are good horses and bad horses, and the bad horses carry the bad guys around who carry guns.  Apparently this was one of those bad horses.
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Micah overheard a boy in his classroom say that he got hit in the private area during lunchtime.  When I picked him up, Micah said, "Beau got hit in the peanuts twice today!"
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Jaden has been asking me a lot of questions about heaven lately.  On the way to school, he asked what will happen to our clothes when we go to heaven, and I explained that we will get new clothes.  He's still a little confused about what  happens to our bodies, and he asked, "So when we get to heaven, God glues our bodies back together?"  My sweet boy :)

(Yes, I know many of my Friday Funnies have to do with farts and poop. Welcome to the world of boys!)

Friday Funnies

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This week's Friday Funnies:

Micah:  "Watching Caillou makes my butt hurt!"
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We have a CD with a song called "Blessed are the Pure in Heart."  I overheard Micah singing, "Blessed are the Human Farts!"
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I got a notice from Micah's school that someone in his class had pink eye.  When he told me his friend Tyler was absent, I asked, "Oh, did he have pink eye?"  Micah looked at me confused and replied, "No, he has different eyes."
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Jaden climbed in bed one night with us (around 2am) and quickly fell asleep between us.  After he was sound asleep, we heard a huge fart, and Martin and I both sat up and looked at each other (it really was that loud).  We looked and Jaden, and he had a huge smile on his face (in his sleep) and he whispered, "I did that!" and giggled for about five minutes.  So funny!

Friday Funnies

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My friend Heather is on a media fast right now, but she developed the Friday Funnies and I wanted to share our latest funnies with you...



In the midst of the sick weeks we have had, my children never fail to disappoint...

Micah, crying because he had to go to another doctor's appointment, said through tears, "I'm going to put a banana on the floor so the doctor can slip on it and fall!"

Upon telling both boys that they had (yet another) doctor's appointment today, they conspired in their room and said, "We are going to put gum on the floor so the doctor will walk and step on it and not be able to move!  We are going to use serious sticky power!"

Jaden woke up at 3am last night and was wide awake for over an hour. During that time he talked a mile a minute, telling me all about how Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.  Nevermind he has never seen Star Wars; my dad told him all about it and he was fascinated.

As I was putting Jaden to bed and he was nodding off to sleep, I layed next to him and he whispered in my ear, "Mommy, when you and daddy were praying today, I had my eyes WIDE OPEN!"

Micah missed 3 days of school this week, and I asked if he wanted to go with me to pick up his homework.  He said, "No, I don't want to see my friends from school when I'm absent.  I only want to see them when I go BACK to school!"

The boys have been together so much lately, there have been days where they just get sick of each other.  Micah was mad at Jaden and said, "Your head looks like an oval!"

One of Micah's favorite phrases is "You smacked the cheese off!"  We didn't know what this meant until recently when I finally asked him, and he said, "It means you farted!"  I said, "OH! You mean 'You cut the cheese?'"  He still prefers "You smacked the cheese off!"  :)

And lastly, we were driving and passed a homeless man with dreadlocks wearing a girls' jacket.  Micah blurted out, "That guy is a rock star!" 

Signs You're Approaching Your Mid-30's

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This year I turn 35, which feels pretty strange.  Some days I still feel like I'm 25, and other days I could believe I could not be over 30, yet here I am.  I look in the mirror and find new companions - grey hairs, smile lines, things growing on my body, and new moles. 

Here are some more signs, compiled by me, that you, too, may be approaching your mid-30's:

-You care more about being comfy than cute (most of the time).

-Your nighttime routine includes facial moisturizer, plucking hairs and Crest Whitestrips.

-You go to Victoria's Secret for one thing and one thing only - comfy cotton underwear.

-A late night means that you're in bed by 10:30pm.

-You play "brain games" to keep your mind stimulated (Soduko, Crossword Puzzles, etc.)

-You carry Bean-O or Tums in your purse

-Teen girls pass by you, whisper to each other and giggle.

-Your knees pop.

-You need help getting up off the floor after playing with your kids.

-You listen to KOST 103.5 and secretly hope your spouse dedicates a song to you.

-You look at old pictures of yourself and say, "I was so skinny!"

-Your wardrobe contains the brands Merona, Lee, High Sierra or St. Johns Bay.

-You have a crockpot cookbook.

-You sleep with earplugs, lotion and/or chapstick next to your bed.

Do you identify?  Am I missing anything?