When Your Kids Mortify You

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Today at church I helped to co-lead a parenting class, where we talked about the "Soul Transforming Journey of Parenting," using Gary Thomas' Sacred Parenting curriculum (which is good stuff, by the way).

Five minutes after class ended, I picked up my kids from their Sunday School classes, when my 7 year old informed me that my 5 year old had just drawn a large picture of a Lego figure with the words "I'm sexy and I know it" as the caption.

Yep.  That's my boy.  Pastor's kid, class clown, leader of the children.

It was quite fitting that Gary Thomas had just talked about those scenarios in our video session, sharing how a mother was mortified by her son's bad behavior over and over in his young life.  She wrote a letter to Gary, stating, "While people may judge us by our children's actions, God judges us by our reactions to them. I needed to stop being mortified and to start being modified....At times, I actually pity those parents who have easy children. How will they ever learn these valuable lessons?"

Gary went on to share that parenting is like "God's hammer on our souls."  He is refining our character. However, so many of us spend most of our time worrying about our child's character and disciplining their actions that we miss what God is trying to do in our own lives.  What if we took a step back, and instead of pouring all of our energy into changing them, we prayed that God would change us instead?

We were also reminded that our children are watching us, and whether good or bad, they see and hear everything we do.  A friend shared that she and her husband were having a conversation late at night in their living room, talking softly, when their son (who they thought was asleep) interjected his opinion from his own room.   It reminded me of all the conversations I overheard when I was a child and how curious I was. Our children can often hear us even when we don't think they can. Let us not forget in our parenting, that it begins with us - instead of always pointing out our children's mistakes, let us remember to watch our own words and behaviors even more.

Although they see and hear our mistakes, they also see our growth.  When our first reaction is to normally yell or overreact when they mess up, I wonder what would happen if they saw us stop and speak calmly next time.  They will notice something that big.  Again, when the focus is on growing ourselves and changing our own behavior, the effect will be seen by our children.

This week, instead of being mortified by our kids, let our reaction, our behavior, our thoughts...be modified. God will work in them, but let's also allow God to work in us.

Mommy-Guilt

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Things didn't end well tonight.  The amount of strong will in a 4-going-on-14 year old is amazing, to say the least.  He was tired, I was tired.  He was disobeying, I was growing frustrated.  So he got in trouble.  He fought me, I took away his favorite toy.  He threw his blankets off the bed.  I raised my voice.  He yelled through tears of frustration. After almost an hour of a power struggle, finally there was quiet, but I knew he went to sleep with tears in his eyes.  I collapsed on the couch, feeling defeated.

When I went to check on him later, he looked so peaceful, so still, so perfect.  And that is when the waves of guilt washed over me.  I wanted to hold him, to say "I'm sorry," to tell him it will all be alright.  I wanted to whisper in his ear that even when we disagree, it doesn't change my love for him.  For a moment I imagined what life would be like if something happened to him, and the grief was so strong that I had to stop the thought before it even finished.

So he sleeps soundly, and the scene re-plays itself over and over in my mind.

"You're a bad mom!" I hear.
"You are so impatient with him!" I cringe.
"You are going to scar him for life!" I want to run and hide.

My thoughts are my own worst enemy. This mommy-guilt... it is overpowering, it cripples, it blinds.  If I let it, it will destroy me.

And so I have a decision to make - to wallow in the guilt that only mother's know, or choose to accept God's grace for me.  I decide to receive the grace, and for a few moments I let it wash over me.  It feels cold and uncomfortable.  This grace is something so hard to receive that I try to reject it, and let the thoughts overtake me once again.  Yet He keeps pouring it out, over and over.  I fight it, then it comes again. I fight it, it comes again. And again, and again...His grace.. until I am sound asleep.

Tomorrow is new.