Mommy-Guilt

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Things didn't end well tonight.  The amount of strong will in a 4-going-on-14 year old is amazing, to say the least.  He was tired, I was tired.  He was disobeying, I was growing frustrated.  So he got in trouble.  He fought me, I took away his favorite toy.  He threw his blankets off the bed.  I raised my voice.  He yelled through tears of frustration. After almost an hour of a power struggle, finally there was quiet, but I knew he went to sleep with tears in his eyes.  I collapsed on the couch, feeling defeated.

When I went to check on him later, he looked so peaceful, so still, so perfect.  And that is when the waves of guilt washed over me.  I wanted to hold him, to say "I'm sorry," to tell him it will all be alright.  I wanted to whisper in his ear that even when we disagree, it doesn't change my love for him.  For a moment I imagined what life would be like if something happened to him, and the grief was so strong that I had to stop the thought before it even finished.

So he sleeps soundly, and the scene re-plays itself over and over in my mind.

"You're a bad mom!" I hear.
"You are so impatient with him!" I cringe.
"You are going to scar him for life!" I want to run and hide.

My thoughts are my own worst enemy. This mommy-guilt... it is overpowering, it cripples, it blinds.  If I let it, it will destroy me.

And so I have a decision to make - to wallow in the guilt that only mother's know, or choose to accept God's grace for me.  I decide to receive the grace, and for a few moments I let it wash over me.  It feels cold and uncomfortable.  This grace is something so hard to receive that I try to reject it, and let the thoughts overtake me once again.  Yet He keeps pouring it out, over and over.  I fight it, then it comes again. I fight it, it comes again. And again, and again...His grace.. until I am sound asleep.

Tomorrow is new.