Thursday, September 27, 2012

Searching For God's Will

Exciting things have happened the last two weeks, as I was able to attend a writer's conference and get an appointment with a book agent.  As I arrived home, I have been met by excitement and questions from others.  Those close to me know that this has been on my heart for a long time; it has been a dream that I never really thought would come true.  Although nothing has technically happened, I finally feel that I am taking small steps forward in the realization of these goals.

Yet something keeps weighing heavy on my heart.  I hear comments about this "dream finally coming true," that I'm "moving forward in God's will for my life," and that God has been "preparing me for this moment."  The problem is, I disagree with all of those things.

You see, when I was younger (in Bible college), I was taught and believed that God had a specific will for my life that was going to be amazing.  He was going to use me mightily.  His had a calling on my life that was powerful.  I believed these things and looked forward to them. I prayed every day about this perfect will that was supposed to be coming my way.  I sought opportunities that lined up with all of these words of affirmation. But nothing BIG seemed to happen.  Then I got disappointed. I felt like God forgot about me.  Year after year I struggled with this - this feeling like I had a call on my life that had not yet materialized.

And so now that supposedly BIG things are happening in my life; does that mean that this is it?  It's finally here?  I'm finally entering into God's will that had been talked about for so long?

No.  I say no.  You know what I've learned?  Every single day that I have lived up until this moment has been just as much a part of God's will for me as any big moment that might happen (or not).  Every single day!  Every boring day, where nothing seemed to happen, was just as crucial to my heart and my relationship with God as the realization of some dream.   Every moment where I held my children close to me and wondered if God forgot about me, and if I'd ever get to do the things I dreamed about or I would be stuck in my house forever and ever - all of those moments were His will and His plan for me. Those moments were important to my heart, my character, and my relationship with Him.  Was He preparing me for bigger things?  No, not bigger. He was preparing me for other things.  I was already doing the big things but just didn't know it.

You know what else I've learned?  So much of those dreams are really about us. We feel that if we accomplish something big, our lives will mean something more.  If we get that book deal, if we get that job, if we get our degree, if we just, if we just, if we just.  And life becomes more and more about ME instead of about HIM.   Now, I don't disagree with having dreams - please don't misunderstand.  I just disagree with the thinking that those dreams being realized are more important than where you are at on the way.

I know that disappointment of hearing good news from a friend and wishing it was you.  I know those thoughts that say, "When will my time come?"  But I have realized that time is already here, and we are missing it.  If I could give advice to myself 5 years ago, I would say, "Stop waiting for something grandeous to happen, that is really about you, and recognize that God's hand is on your life right now! You are in His will.  He has called you by name, and He does have a calling on your life - and it is right where you are.  Whatever happens next is also a part of His will for you, but it is no more important than the average day you have before you right in this moment."

Those average days involved staying home with my 2 kids. They involved doing the dishes, washing the clothes, taking endless walks to the park, planning the meals, and repeating the same cycle over and over.  Yet THAT was God's will for me at that time.  And this now, this is just the next thing.  I don't want my life to be dependent on my circumstances to find joy.  I want to find my joy in Him, no matter the season, because it's all part of His calling.

What about you? Are you waiting for the next big things, or do you see God's will as right where you are?

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