Things didn't end well tonight. The amount of strong will in a 4-going-on-14 year old is amazing, to say the least. He was tired, I was tired. He was disobeying, I was growing frustrated. So he got in trouble. He fought me, I took away his favorite toy. He threw his blankets off the bed. I raised my voice. He yelled through tears of frustration. After almost an hour of a power struggle, finally there was quiet, but I knew he went to sleep with tears in his eyes. I collapsed on the couch, feeling defeated.
When I went to check on him later, he looked so peaceful, so still, so perfect. And that is when the waves of guilt washed over me. I wanted to hold him, to say "I'm sorry," to tell him it will all be alright. I wanted to whisper in his ear that even when we disagree, it doesn't change my love for him. For a moment I imagined what life would be like if something happened to him, and the grief was so strong that I had to stop the thought before it even finished.
So he sleeps soundly, and the scene re-plays itself over and over in my mind.
"You're a bad mom!" I hear.
"You are so impatient with him!" I cringe.
"You are going to scar him for life!" I want to run and hide.
My thoughts are my own worst enemy. This mommy-guilt... it is overpowering, it cripples, it blinds. If I let it, it will destroy me.
And so I have a decision to make - to wallow in the guilt that only mother's know, or choose to accept God's grace for me. I decide to receive the grace, and for a few moments I let it wash over me. It feels cold and uncomfortable. This grace is something so hard to receive that I try to reject it, and let the thoughts overtake me once again. Yet He keeps pouring it out, over and over. I fight it, then it comes again. I fight it, it comes again. And again, and again...His grace.. until I am sound asleep.
Tomorrow is new.
Yes, grace! This parenting gig is hard work, what is right is not always easy...but when the guilt comes we must recognize it for the false fear that it is! When the guilt comes for what we truly have done wrong, we must accept the grace and forgiveness offered to us. So grateful His mercies are new EVERY morning.
ReplyDeleteHello Jaimie . Parenting is never easy and it seems we will never run out of mommy guilt . Good thing I blog, though some of my kids do not read them, at least one day they will know that if there were days I have been guilty but was too proud to admit it , they will understand why I chose to write it down instead of breaking into tears infront of them.
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day , I hope that my hugs and kisses were enough to tell them how sorry I was.
Blessings!
Every mother can relate with this. While it may defeat you temporarily, it'll never defeat you long term. You're a mom - and moms are superheroes.
ReplyDeleteGlad to find you via UBP.
Great post- having one of those guilty mommy days as I read. And the part of letting His grace pour even when it is uncomfortable rings true today. Thank you for sharing and reminding me, although I might feel all by myself, I am not alone in this journey.
ReplyDeleteFound your blog from UBP, glad I did