I'm Back!

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The last four years I have felt like I put my life on hold for my babies. And every second was worth it. I dropped out of helping with the youth ministry first, then the worship team, then a ton of other things at church I was involved with, plus working full-time, etc... I think one of the hardest things was going, going, going, and then all of the sudden, everything came to a sudden STOP. Suddenly I was in my house, alone with a baby (or two), and not quite sure what to do with myself. There were many tearful days where I wondered "what am I doing here?" all the while knowing that I was fulfilling the greatest calling. But that doesn't make it necessarily easier.

The last two years I have very, very slowly begun to re-emerge and get involved in things when I can. I started leading the women's ministry at church. But keep in mind that it is very, very small and does not entail a lot of work. Every Sunday, however, when I'd be in the nursing mother's room, I would secretly wish that I could still sing on the worship team.

Well, these past few months I have felt like a load has been lifted. Somehow things are getting a little easier. I can breathe a little more. Jaden is now 21 months and becoming more independent. Micah actually might be exiting the tantrum stage and he has actually become easier and easier to take places. People comment often on how good the boys are, which gives me hope that I can take them out in public more :) We no longer have to haul a 20 pound diaper bag built for two, with bottles, toys, and enough baby gear for an army. Now I just keep a small stash of supplies in each car.

Which brings me to this week. The church gave me an office to share with another pastor, who volunteers his time as well. My heart actually lept when I found this out - my OWN office?! That I can decorate and put all my dusty books in and actually hang my degree on the wall?! On Tuesday of this week, I went in for the first time and had 4 uninterrupted hours to FOCUS. Martin was able to work from home that morning and stay with Jaden (Micah was in preschool), and I got SO much done. I'm only going to be working 1 morning a week, but I crammed an entire month's worth of work into those 4 hours and felt so great!

Then tonight, I ventured out for the first time in 3 years and went to worship practice! Everyone's eyes opened wide when they saw me. "Are you BACK?!" they asked. Well, "we'll try this out," I said, since I had my two boys in tow. Since my husband is the worship pastor and "in charge" nobody balked at me bringing the boys, so we thought we'd try it out for one night. Well, the boys did wonderful. Another young boy played with them the whole time and they loved it. And I got to sing again! My heart lept again.

I'm not going to bite off more than I can chew, but it feels so good to re-emerge, even if just a bit. My family and boys will always come first, but I am so thankful to be able to pursue the things I love on the side as well.