Friday, May 23, 2008

Holding Them Close

On Wednesday a friend called me and told me the tragic news of Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest adopted daughter, who had been accidentally killed on Wednesday when her brother was driving the family car and hit her. The news stuck with me all that day and the next, and we have been praying for their family. It reminds me of how fragile children's lives are, and makes me want to hold my own just a little bit closer.

Last night Jaden was eating dinner and choked on his food really badly. I was home alone with the boys, and picked him up and tried my best to dislodge the food while holding him and pounding his back. He had trouble breathing for a good minute or two, and although he was crying and trying to catch his breath, I could tell he didn't have his whole breathing capacity. He had tears streaming down his face, like he was scared and hurting. Finally he was okay, and I just held him.

After these two things happened, I had trouble sleeping when we went to bed last night. At about 11:30pm, I was just laying there thinking about what had happened earlier, and I told my husband, "I just want to hold Jaden." I got up, picked him up sleeping out of his crib, and brought him to our bed. I held him on my chest in the dark just listening to his breathing and feeling his heartbeat next to mine. I thought about how precious he is to us, and couldn't even imagine if something ever happened to him. I can't imagine was Steven CC is going through right now. Jaden & I layed there together for awhile, with Martin and I just kissing his forehead, and then I finally got up and put him back in his crib.

I want to remember every day to hold my boys just a little bit closer. I want them to know they are loved, and I hope they never doubt that. I realize that every day that I want to hold them closer, I also have to let them go a little bit more. This is hard.

This is a picture of me and Jaden I took a few months ago while he was sleeping next to me.

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