Out of My Control

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Do you ever feel like God is continually trying to teach you that you are not in control?  I am in that season, and it is tough sometimes.  It seems like every day I'm faced with some new challenge that reminds me that I am not in control of my life, and I just need to deal with it.

Take Thanksgiving day, for instance. I planned ahead and ordered our family meal from Sprouts this year.  Confirmation letter received, I was to pick up our meal on Thanksgiving Day at 10am.  We decided to go as a family to pick it up, but when we arrived we found no cars in the parking lot.  "Warning - Warning!!" my mind started to shout.  Martin parked the car and I rushed to the front doors.  They were locked.  Nobody was inside.  I stood there for probably five minutes with my face and hands pressed to the glass doors, looking inside for any signs of life.  Nothing.  Nobody.

I walked back to the car, fighting back tears.  I was so confused and overwhelmed.  Just the thought of having to go to a grocery store and pick up a 12-pound frozen turkey with all the fixin's was enough to make me have a nervous breakdown.  We sat in the car and tried to figure out what went wrong.  After the 10 minute drive back home, I checked my email again, and then made a phone call to Henry's Market.  The man on the phone read my name and order right back to me, and said it was there waiting for me.  Henry's and Sprouts recently merged, and both addresses were on the same street within 1 block from each other.  PHEW!  I cannot tell you how relieved I was!

Back in the car we went, and I just about kissed the deli guy who worked there.  I was SO happy!  The whole "charade" took about an hour because of driving back and forth to the house.  During that time, I felt so helpless, so mad, so frustrated.  But it all worked out in the end.  Once again, something was out of my control, and I just had to wait.

It is a test of character, waiting is.  A test of our faith.  A test of perseverance and patience.

Something else happened out of my control this month. Our church decided to consolidate with another church.  That might not be a huge deal to some, but when your husband is one of the pastors of the church, it is a huge deal.  It means his job will be changing a bit, he will have even more responsibility, our time together as a family will be affected.  It means that we're leaving our building and the comfortability of the church we've known and loved for 9 years, and we're going somewhere new.  Change is hard.

It is a test of character, change is.  A test of our faith.  A test of perseverance and patience.

Tomorrow is our last Sunday at our church, before we all move together to the new church.  Our "family" of 150 is growing to 350.  Our staff of 3 is growing to a staff of 6.  The faces I have come to know will be mixed in with 200 faces I don't know.  Once again, I'm faced with a situation that is out of my control, and it is scary.

I know more situations will come that are out of my control; in fact, this is only 2 of hundreds that have happened this year.  But with each situation, I hope and pray that my character is deepening, my patience is growing stronger, my trust is becoming more secure.

Tonight I'm thankful that when things feel out of control, I can put my trust in the One who is in control.

Whatever situation you are in that is out of your control, take a moment to stop and breathe. With every breath you take, say "I will trust in You."  We are learning valuable lessons, and although they are not fun, they are drawing us closer to Him.

Psalm 73:28
"But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Casting our Cares Upon Him

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When I was a kid, I listened to records of "Psalty the Singing Songbook."  Psalty was a large blue hymnal-person-thingy that would hang out with kids and sing songs with them.  He was kindof like Barney, but a weird looking book.  For some reason I don't think people would respond to Psalty today like they did back in the 80's. :)

Anyway, I LOVED listening to Psalty. I knew every song, and I dreamed of being a kid on the Psalty videotapes.  But there was one song I loved more than any other song:  "I Cast All My Cares Upon You."  I remember singing this song every time I was scared or felt sad.

To this day, this song comes to my mind frequently. Tonight I was reminded once again of this song.

This past 2 weeks I have had to deal with a situation that is so big, so overwhelming, that I had no other option but to lay it at God's feet.  You know those problems you have in life that just immediately lead you to pray, because you know it is not humanly possible to handle it?  This situation does not involve me or my family, but someone I care for greatly.  I am really the only person bearing her burdens right now, and her life has become my life for the past 2 weeks.  I find that this situation is on my mind every single minute, and affecting every single thing I do.

At first, laying it down at God's feet was easy.  It was the natural thing to do.  It was the "of course" option.  Then a few other people got involved who helped carry the load.  It was nice having them to lean on and talk with about the situation.  I found that they were helping me to bear the burdens which I felt so heavily weighed on my shoulders.  And as I relied more on them, I found myself relying less on prayer.  Then today, I felt the weight completely on my own shoulders again, as though I was handling this all on my own.  I realized that I did 3 things:

1) I first trusted in God, and put all my faith in Him.

2) Then I started to put my trust in other people, and rely on them for strength.

3) Then I started to put my trust in myself, that I could handle this in my own strength

The weight felt oppressive.  It felt heavy.  It made me tired.  I couldn't focus. I got mad.  I said things I shouldn't have said.  And I took the load away from God, and away from others, and put it all on myself, and that's when things turned ugly.

How many times do we do this to ourselves?  So tonight, 25 years after I first heard that song, it played softly in my heart again, because the words are so true. When we are faced with a situation that is so big, so overwhelming, so troubling...this is what we need to do:

I cast all my cares upon you
I lay all of my burdens
Down at your feet
And any time, I don't know
What to do
I will cast all my cares upon you

Today if you're facing a hard situation, instead of trying to talk to others about it and let them carry the load with you, or trying to handle it on your own, cast all of your cares upon Him.  

_____________

P.S. If you were a fan of Psalty, you have to check out this funny video that Saddleback did about Psalty- a parody of VH1's "Behind the Music":  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XHFBZ8E4nQ

A Longing to Influence

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Technology can be a beautiful thing.  It can also be a very discouraging thing.  It is beautiful because it allows us to keep in touch with people and even get to know people that we'd have no way of staying in contact with otherwise.  It is discouraging for hundreds of reasons, but one being that when you are a stay-at-home mom, you see what everyone else is doing and you feel like...a nobody.

I follow various women leaders online.  Leaders who are doing amazing things.  Many of them are raising families at the same time they are spreading the love of Christ with the world.  Women like:

-Christine Caine- leader of Equip and Empower Ministries
-Lysa TerKheurst- author and speaker
-Jo Saxton- director of 3D ministries, speaker and author
-Beth Moore- teacher extraordinnaire
-Kay Warren- raising awareness about adoption and the HIV/AIDS crisis through her ministry.
-Lori Wilhite- leading a ministry to women leaders and pastor's wives called "Leading and Loving It"

Almost daily, through technology, I am hearing about these amazing ministries and women behind them.  They are changing lives through their home offices, through their blogs, through their speaking engagements....and I think, "How I long to do that! How I long to be used by God to change lives!"  Indeed, I would love someday to write a book, and be called upon to speak to the masses, not for my own glory, but because lives need changing, people need encouraging, and young women need older women to look up to.

Yet when I think of all the needs out there, I get overwhelmed.  I have such a heart for:

-training and developing leaders
-raising up women in ministry
-encouraging young ladies
-the orphans
-sex trafficking
-babies and children who are abused
-kids in the foster care system
-moms who need encouragement

I'm also reminded that right now, in my own backyard, is a need for a mother's group, specifically to ages 5+ (MOMS Next, perhaps).  Right now, in my own backyard, is a need for a network of women in ministry.  Right now, in my own backyard, are kids who need foster homes.  Yet I feel overwhelmed by what's going on in my own house - my low patience for my own two children (ages 4 and 6) who require my time and energy right now.  I get lost in a fog of all of the needs out there, and sink deeper into my couch wondering if I'll ever really be able to do anything to help.  I lose motivation fast when I look at the pile of laundry on my left and the mess of toys on my right.  I wonder if I'll ever be able to start anything, when I can't even finish a sentence without being interrupted.  (Even as I sit here typing, the boys are playing with toys on my desk giving me little room to move my arms) :)

Writing, speaking, traveling, starting things up....all areas my heart beats for, yet I feel the needs at home so strongly.  I struggle with comparing myself to these great women who are able to balance it all and do what they love.  For some reason I haven't been called to do that...yet.

Maybe you are like me, frustrated at times, trying to stay faithful to what's been given you, and praying for direction.  I have to remember that "the need is not always the call."  I also need to examine my own motives - why do I want to do these things?  For personal recognition?  To help people out of my own selfish needs or insecurities?  Because if that is in my heart at all, then I hope the doors will close for me.

For now, I pour my heart into the young girl who was in my home last week - who is a single mother struggling to keep her head above water.  I pour my heart into another young girl who is seeking for a mentor.  I pour my heart into the people I run into at the grocery market, and my neighbors, and the moms of the kids in my son's class.  I pour my heart into my own kids, and especially into my husband, so that he can minister more effectively.

I have to believe that these seasons serve a great purpose; that God is doing heart-surgery to refine things in us that would otherwise fester.  And I have to be okay with the fact that this is all I might end up doing, and that's okay.  God didn't call most of us to be well-known, or write books, or travel the world and speak.  In fact, most of the time He calls us to lay down our greatest desires so they won't become greater than our desire for Him. So for now, I wait.  I am reminded that God doesn't call us to be like other people; He calls us to be faithful to Him.

What does your heart beat for?

Okay, God, But....

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Have you ever had this conversation with God:

"God, I will do what you have called me to do, BUT...."
"God, I will go wherever you want me to go, BUT...."
"God, I will share your love with whoever you want me to, BUT....."
"God, I will forgive whoever I should forgive, BUT...."

I remember being in college, packed in the cafeteria at 9pm on a Wednesday night, wall to wall with sweaty students singing their hearts out to God, hands lifted high, not fearing anything that life would bring outside of those 4 walls, crying out to God that we would serve Him, follow Him, and do whatever He would want us to do with our lives.  We longed for His power, and we said we'd be obedient.

Then life happened.  We graduated.  We couldn't figure out what we were supposed to do with our lives next.  We got married.  We had babies.  We got jobs.  Day to day life happened.  Life felt boring at times.  Our dreams, our callings, our passions became fading memories. We wondered if they were ever really real at all.

Then bad things started happening - affairs, divorces, kids got sick, family members died, friendships were forgotten, jobs were lost, finances were tight.  And we lost our innocence.

Somewhere our prayers changed.  They became more about "me" and less about "Him."   They became more about our agendas and less about His.  They became more about our wants than about our blessings. They became more desperate and worried, and less hopeful and trusting.

And that's when the "Buts" started:  The "But God, don't make me do this."  "But God, don't make me go there."  "But God, don't make me forgive that person."  Our trust was broken.  Our trust was not broken by God, but by ourselves.  We put our trust in ourselves, let ourselves down, and then blamed God for it.

The past two days I have been convicted of these things.  May I take the "but" out of my prayers, out of my thoughts, out of my life.  It is only then that I will be free.  It is only then that we will be free.

The In-Between

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Amy Grant used to have this song called "The Now & Not Yet."  That song has come out of a decade long sleep in my head (actually it was about 2 decades ago) and has been playing in my mind for the past two weeks  The chorus goes something like this:

But I'm caught in between
The now and the not yet;
Sometimes it seems like
Forever and ever,
That I've been reaching to be
All that I am,
But I'm only a few steps nearer,
Yet I'm nearer....


This describes my life lately.  Wait, it always describes my life.  Don't you always feel as though you are constantly caught "in-between" something happening?

It is on these days that we long for change.  Our dreams are on pause.  Life feels that it is moving fast in some ways, yet so slow in other ways.  This phase feels long.  We sometimes cease to feel the presence of God.  Yet He is there.

This past Sunday I had the privilege of speaking at my church. I spoke on "Detours" in our lives and how we can respond through those detours.  The passage I shared was from Numbers 14: 20-24, where Caleb was described by God as having a "different spirit and following [God] wholeheartedly." (If you'd like to hear the message, go to this website and scroll until you find the "Detour Ahead" message).  After 40 years of wandering in the wilderness with over 2 million people, only 2 men were allowed to enter the Promised Land: Joshua and Caleb.  Only these 2 men, out of 2 million people, had the right perspective and attitude about their detour.  As I prepared for that message, I felt like I was preparing it specifically for me.  I have not had the attitude of Caleb.  Instead, I've had the attitude of the Israelites: whining, complaining, questioning, and being impatient.  But Caleb had a different spirit, and I want that.

The reality is, not only do we have detours in life, but this entire life IS a detour.  We are on our way to spend an eternity in heaven, and this is not our home.  This entire life IS the in-between.  So we should not lose heart when we feel another detour has happened, or another dream is on hold, or we have to wait another day for our hope to be realized.  We should not lose heart when we feel that we are constantly living in the in-between.  This should only make our hearts yearn for heaven even more.

May we be able to have the spirit of Caleb, who followed the Lord wholeheartedly, whether we are on a detour, or in the "in-between".

Choosing Peace Over Fear

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The past few nights I have been unable to get to sleep easily.  I was up late the night that the tsunami hit Japan, and watched it unfold live on national television.  I remember that I was gasping as I watched it happen, with my hand over my mouth.  In the past, we see national disasters on television after the fact, and that somehow seems to lessen the impact a tiny bit; yet watching it happen live, while people are being swept away, leaves an indelible mark on you.

I live in a city with a large population of Japanese residents, many of who have been personally affected.  We cannot get away from the news right now, even if we tried.  Online, on the radio, the television, the newspapers - it seems that each day the news gets worse, and we are being told to prepare for disaster.  Today on the news they actually used the word "apocalypse" as if that might be what we're facing.

My faith is what keeps me strong, what gives me hope.  I am challenged to remember this when surrounded by people who are scared and searching for answers.  Do I speak with fear in my voice, or with confidence and faith?

Last night as I lay in bed, I was imagining what would happen if an earthquake hit my house.  Where would we hide?  Where are our flashlights?  Would we be okay?  For a few minutes my mind started to spiral out of control, until I was reminded that I had a choice.  I have a choice to dwell on these fears or to choose peace.

Yes, we need to be prepared.  We need to have emergency supplies and have a plan ready.  Just today I went and stocked up on some water bottles and canned food.  At the same time though, we cannot let our fears dictate how we act or live.  We may have to choose to turn off the television and limit how much information overload we are subjecting ourselves to.  It is in times like these that we need peace more than we need information.  Peace is a choice; it is also a fruit of the Spirit.  God is wanting to develop peace in our lives if we let Him. That means trusting Him with the future, no matter how dim it may look.  Take some time to let His peace overcome you today.
________________________________________

Romans 8:5-13 

5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.  9 You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.

John 14:27


Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

The Beach & I

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I have never been a beach person.  Maybe it's because of my fair skin, which gets burnt to a crisp even in 73 degree weather.  Maybe it's because I am afraid of scaring the natives in my bathing suit.  Maybe it's because of the sand that gets in every crevice.  I don't have fond memories of the beach, because as a child I often left with sunburns that sent me to doctors' offices, even after applying SPF 75.  But the fact is, I live by the beach.

For the past year I have come to terms with the fact that everyone around me loves the beach, relishes living by it, and always wants to go.  I, on the other hand, would rather drive an hour up to the mountains to breathe in the crisp air and see nature at its finest.

However, the past few Thursday mornings I have had the opportunity to have some rare time to myself, and each Thursday I have found myself at the beach.  It is within 2 miles of my house, and the weather has been beautiful.  For $2, I can park there for however long I want, read a book or take a walk, and breathe in the sea salt air.

Last Thursday I stopped by my favorite cafe, The Yellow Vase, and picked up a cupcake (now you know why I don't wear bathing suits).  They were filming 90210 that day, and these two girls walked right by me.

Um, awesome!!  Seriously, everyone on that set was so beautiful. There I was with my crazy hair, no makeup on and my outfit from the floor of my bedroom - I felt really hot.  I fit right in.

Anyway, back to the beach.  My point is, that I think I am falling in love with the beach.  Not because of the sand in my pants, or the sunburn I might get, or all the interesting people there.  It is because when I am there I feel close to God.  Even if I am having a bad day, I can take a little drive, put .25 cents in the meter, roll down my window and hear the waves.  And it even gets better when I see something like this:

This photo was taken last week by my friend Heidi.  Every time I go down there I see dolphins. Today I walked a mile on the sand, while they swam the same direction the whole time.  My friend Melanie was there yesterday and they were doing flips in the air!  When I see the dolphins, it always reminds me of the glory of God.  Something about seeing His creation like that just speaks to my soul.

This week we also took a little trip to see the dead sardines.  You may have heard about this on the news - over 1.5 million sardines were found dead in Redondo Beach on Tuesday morning.  We had rough winds on Monday night, and the sardines made a wrong turn and ended up in the harbor (where it dead ends). There were so many of them that they suffocated to death.  It was really sad seeing them there, many with their mouths wide open like they were gasping for air.  I was expecting to see tiny sardines (like the ones in the cans), but these were all 6-8" long.  The boys loved it.  They were fascinated and asked so many questions.  I have never seen anything like it.

In talking with people about this event, numerous people have said, "It reminds me of the end of days."  Even people with no faith are saying thing like that.  Again, nature has a way of turning people to God, even in odd ways like this.

So, while you may not find me parked on the sand in my bathing suit with my beach umbrella, you may find me there...sitting in wonder and awe at God's handiwork.  It is amazing!

"Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying, 'To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!'"  Revelation 5: 13

Finding Purpose

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I have been talking to more and more moms (mostly those who stay at home), who are struggling with their sense of purpose. If you have chosen to give up your career and stay at home, maybe you identify with this.

At our old jobs, we were good at what we did.  We felt like we were accomplishing something when a deadline was met, customers were pleased, and goals were achieved.  We had tangible rewards, such as a paycheck, a raise, or an award.  Even at a difficult job, getting paid was a motivator to keep coming to work each day.

At home, it can be a different story.  There's no paycheck calling your name. Maybe you feel like you rarely do anything right.  You work hard to clean, but the room is destroyed 10 minutes later. You have half-finished projects lying around. Bills are lost in piles of papers. You haven't even had time to put your makeup on. After a few days, then a few months, then a few years of this, it is easy to see why mothers can get discouraged and feel lost. Many of these moms I have spoken with feel confused, sad, and bored.

There are some moms who seem to be so good at what they do, and it comes so natural to them. Yesterday I was talking to a good friend about her new life with three girls under age 3. She exclaimed, "I love, love, LOVE motherhood!" Indeed, she finds her greatest fulfillment in staying home with her girls, and it seems to flow easily from her very core.  I do love motherhood, but staying home has been one of the most difficult aspects of it for me.  I wouldn't trade it or change it, but it has forced me to work on every single weakness that I have, every minute of every day.

It's not that we would give up our lives, or don't love our children, or aren't thankful for the opportunity to stay at home. Yet if our identity was in our job, our accomplishments, or our degrees, it is hard to make that "shift" in our thinking to realize that our children are now our job and our accomplishment - especially when we are dealing with simultaneous meltdowns in Target while judging eyes are watching.

So how do we find a new identity as a stay-at-home mom? For awhile, I joined outside mommy-groups, which were a life-saver to me. I made new friends, got involved in leadership, and felt a sense of purpose. Yet when it came time to move on, I was again faced with that question, "What do I do now? Who am I?" In other words, how do you find your identity when you are not in a position of influence outside your home, yet that is what you enjoy so much?

I truly believe that God leads us into seasons of influence, and seasons of rest. We are always called to influence our children, yet many of us long for more. We read of other moms getting to do what they love, and we want that, too. Yet we are day-after-day stuck inside of our houses folding laundry and doing chores, yearning for the day we can chase after our passions once again.

It is during these seasons of rest that we find out who we really are. Do we have a true relationship with God apart from what we do for Him? Do we seek Him as much when we're not in a position of influence? Do we still get fed spiritually when we're discouraged, or just give up?  Our true character comes out.  We are put to the test with our patience, our love, our forgiveness, our anger.  We get frustrated easily. We cry. We lose it.

Yet here is something that I have learned over these six years:  this season of me staying home is not only about my children's character development - it is about my character development.  It is about me becoming more like Christ and experiencing my weaknesses to their full measure, and watching Christ use me, love me, and forgive me despite myself.  I want to run, and get out of this house, and find fulfillment outside of these 4 walls.  Yet God keeps calling me back in.  "I'm not done yet," He says.  "It's not time yet," He whispers.  My heart grows impatient, but He does not grow impatient with me.

It is tempting to focus on all we are not getting to do.  I struggle with this every day, because I am a do-er.  I get energized when I have a deadline to meet or a goal to accomplish.  Here, I don't have any big looming deadline or goal that propels me forward, and so I can easily get depressed and bored.  The other day, though, I had a small revelation.  Instead of focusing on the larger picture of my life, and all that I am not getting to do right now as I stay home (besides have an eternal impact on my children), I will try to just stay focused on today.  Today a friend called who needed me, and I was able to encourage her.  If I didn't accomplish anything else, today that was my purpose.  Yesterday I spent time in prayer for someone else.  If I didn't accomplish anything else, that was my purpose yesterday.  Somehow that perspective is keeping me going, helping me to move forward.

We all know that this is "just a season."  Yet there is still purpose in this season. That purpose is your children, but it is also YOU.  Welcome to your purpose - God is changing you day by day.

The Problem with Church

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It seems like the longer I am in ministry, the more I run into people who have been  hurt by the ministry.  It bothers me that I become associated with a group of people who have hurt others, whether it is by just wearing the name "Christian", or being connected to a group of people close to the wounded.  Everybody seems hurt these days, by the very people who are supposed to bring a message of love and healing.

Some of the causes of this hurt in the church include:

-Hurt feelings: feeling "slighted" over decisions, looked over for ministry positions, or just not being listened to.

-Differences in opinion: whether it's about what color the new paint will be, or how money is spent, or decisions about direction in the church, hurt can ensue when common ground cannot be reached.

-Differences in style: worship, preaching-style, what cookies are served after the service, etc...

-Gossip:  unfortunately there are many "talkers" in churches, and this sin runs deep and rampant.

-Bad theology: sometimes members are made to feel guilty that they are not doing enough, not giving enough, not contributing enough....no matter what you do, it is never enough.

-Personality differences:  a church is made up of every different personality known to man (and God).  When you have to work alongside people who may rub you the wrong way, you want to run.  It is hard when these people might be in leadership in the church you go to, because you already may not like them very much, yet they may make decisions that impact you and your family.

-Genuine abuse:  unfortunately in some churches, real abuse happens - whether physically, sexually, emotionally or spiritually.  People hurt in this way may never want to go back to a church (ever), and for understandable reasons.  But God can still heal even our deepest wounds.

If you feel you have been hurt, can you narrow down which of these areas you were hurt by?

There are also generally two types of people in churches: givers and takers.

The givers get involved and contribute, may be involved in small groups, in leadership of some type, and are hopefully excited to be there.  Being a giver is not always better than being a taker, because sometimes we give out of our own selfish needs for approval.  We don't know when to say "no." Sometimes we get involved in ministry when God might actually want us to rest.

The takers come and sit.  They watch.  They may need healing and time, which are good.  But other takers just come and criticize.  They talk to others about it.   They complain.  They are never happy and they are not really interested in contributing anything good.

The fact is, we have all four types of these people in our churches today:

Givers who give with pure hearts; givers who should be resting instead.
Takers who are healing their hearts; takers who are critical and negative.

Which type of person are you?  It is easy to point the finger at the others and say they are the ones causing the problems.  But really - which one are you?

If it is a time to rest, then rest.  But don't get too comfortable. We need you, but only after God has started to heal your heart.

If it is a time to work, then work with all your heart.  Do it for the Lord, not for others. Because I'm telling you right now, that others will disappoint you.  People in the church are just as broken and sinful as those outside the church, and you will get hurt.  I guarantee you.  But what will you do with that hurt?  Will you be bitter and broken forever?  Or will you turn your eyes back on Jesus and let him heal your heart?

The church has no hope if we continue to keep our focus on each other.  We are broken and bruised, and we hurt each other. Our only hope is to keep our eyes on Jesus, ask Him to heal our hearts and not become bitter, and allow him to use our brokenness for His glory.

Lord, help us not to become the hurt or the hurters.  For we do not often know what pain our actions may cause others.  Let us not focus on ourselves and our own pain, but on you and the pain you endured so that we could have the privilege of worshipping you.  Help us to have your perspective, God.

Blaming God

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Today I read the most outrageous news article on Yahoo News entitled, "Steve Johnson blames God for his overtime drop." The article states that after Steve Johnson, a Buffalo Bills wide receiver, dropped the winning touchdown pass in a game on Sunday, he expressed his frustration on Twitter:  

Okay, seriously?!  Besides the bad grammar and excessive use of exclamation points, I wondered if his screen name really means that he is 13 years old.  Because that's exactly how a 13 year old would respond.  Thx tho....

For some reason I could not stop thinking about this today.  It made me so mad!  But after I stepped down from my self-righteous pedestal, I thought about myself.  Wasn't it me, just today, who said in the quiet confines of my heart,  "How could you do this to me, God?"  I am facing a hard situation, and I worry about it daily.  I am grinding my teeth at night.  I am losing sleep.  And I am eating lots of candy (that's how I know I'm in a hard place) ;)  While thinking about this situation, I actually had that thought for a split second.  I mean, here we are, obeying God, sacrificing our lives for His kingdom, doing the best we can, and the situation we are in right now just plain sucks.

I have asked God that question before, in tough ministry situations that have left us wounded and wondering why we ever got into this whole thing in the first place.  Somewhere along the way, I guess I was taught that obedience + sacrifice = an easy, blessed life.  Well, it may be blessed at times, but it sure ain't easy.    

Somehow I have learned to equate good behavior with spiritual blessings.  Yet our walks with God are not mathematical equations that will always make sense and equal good things.  Sometimes we might do good things for God, like pray for people, serve the poor, give our tithes, and then expect Him to bless us.  In reality, maybe we're doing those things for our own selfish motives.  We may even treat Him like He is a giant slot machine, thinking that if we put in the right amount and pull the lever just right, we will become a billionaire.  How wrong we are.

We are quick to bless God when things are going right.  But then we blame Him when things are going wrong.

Now, I'm not saying that God won't bless us, or doesn't want to bless us, because I believe He DOES!  But are we seeking Him and His heart, or are we just seeking His blessings?  Are we seeking the Gifts, or are we seeking the Giver?

I heard someone say recently that our struggles are stepping stones God uses to draw us closer to Him.  Tonight I looked up the word "suffering" in the Bible, and found that the greatest men and women of God were also those who suffered.  They weren't the ones who had everything going right for them. (And frankly, much of what we are going through cannot even compare to real suffering). 

Romans 5:3-4

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope..."

I hope next time I read an article like this, that I have a more humble heart.  Sounds to me like StevieJohnson13 and I actually have more in common than I'd like to admit. 

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(And this is his update since that news article was posted):

1. Spoke To Friends Fam Teammates and Most Importantly I Spoke With My Wife. I Honestly Believe Evrything Happens For A Reason! Everything!about 10 hours ago via twidroid
   And No I Did Not Blame God People! Seriously??!? CMon! I Simply Cried Out And Asked Why? Jus Like yal did wen sumthin went wrong n ur life!about 10 hours ago via twidroid
2. I learned A lot Within 24hrs. Saw Both Sides.(Ups&Dwns) I AM HAPPY & THANKFUL 4 YESTERDAY! w/out Sunday iWldnt have grew closer w/The Lord!!about 10 hours ago via twidroid

Beautiful Music

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Oh, poor neglected blog.  I can't believe it's been 10 days since I last posted.  My goal is 3-4 times a week, as it is pure therapy for me, but this was one of those weeks where I overbooked myself in numerous areas, and it just didn't happen.

First of all, as much as I LOVE speaking, I realized this week that I cannot yet double-book myself (2 engagements in one week).  It's not a lot, I know, but it's still too much for me at this point in my life.  I think once a month would be nice.  Of course, I am only speaking twice in 4 months, yet booked both of those sessions within one week.  Go figure.

Last Monday I had the opportunity to speak to a local MOPS group and shared the same message that I blogged about here last year.  It was a great morning, and I love meeting new moms.  I sat at a table with a young mom who had 3 children (and was pregnant with her 4th), who shared about how other moms judge her by how she looks and how she parents.  She shared a story about how at church, her daughter wet her pants, and she forgot to bring a change of clothes. So she stripped her down to her underwear and people were walking by her scoffing and giving her dirty looks.  She was on the verge of tears, already overwhelmed by other events that happened that morning, and she felt so judged and shamed, mainly by other mothers.  I thought, "what is wrong with us mothers, that we would make another mother feel like this?"  I'm sure the other moms walking by did not know her story; they just cared about what they saw in that moment.  Sure, I may not have chosen the church lobby to strip my child down.  But to shame her and make her feel like a bad mother, when she was already overwhelmed and trying to figure out what to do?  I was saddened for her.  I wondered how often I have judged another mom without knowing her story.

On Sunday I was given the opportunity to preach at church.  God had laid a particular message on my heart for the church about Surrender, and my sister and her boyfriend came and performed a beautiful song that they wrote.  The whole morning went great, and a lady in our church told me later that her daughter's boyfriend recommitted his life to the Lord in the parking lot that morning.  I'm so thankful to be part of a church that encourages in women in ministry and humbled to be given the opportunity.  You can listen to Lauren and Phil's song below (You can visit their Facebook page here).  If you'd like to listen to the message I gave on Sunday, feel free to visit this link and click on "launch sermon player" and then find me there.  If you ever need a speaker for your women's or youth event, I would love to talk with you more about it!

Heaviness

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Last weekend we had a tragedy in our group of friends.  Friends who we've known since college, who were in our wedding, who we've done life with despite the time and distance between us.  Our friends grieved the death of their baby girl.  It was sudden, it was shocking, and the grief and love shared by all of their friends was overwhelming.   I have been amazed reading of their strength and hope during this time, a strength which can only come from a true and genuine depth of faith.  My heart is heavy for them.

Last night we had a young man over for dinner, who was born and raised a Muslim and converted to Christianity last year.  He shared with us about the political unrest he grew up around; that if he went to demonstrate in the streets, he would be captured and tortured.  This has happened to those closest to him.  He knows that if he returns to his country, he will most definitely be put to death for his faith in Jesus.  He knows that because of this choice he has made, he will likely never see his family again.  So he lives here, in a hotel room, alone.  His story broke my heart, because that's not the way it should be.  My heart is heavy for him.

We also found out that Mike, who was living with us for awhile, is homeless again and living  under a bridge nearby.  Our youth group went to serve at  Homeless and Hungry ministry outreach, and he was there.  My heart is heavy for him.

We are going through all sorts of trials with Micah's class at school, that I won't go into here.  The parents have every right to be upset, and major change is needed in many areas, and I feel helpless.  I am trying to be a light in the midst of chaos and anger, while experiencing that same anger, and it is not easy.  My heart is heavy.

While my heart is heavy, I do not feel hopeless.  I have to hold on to hope, believing that God can do great things in the midst of these circumstances.  If I walk around hopeless, how am I any different than unbelievers?  I am sure that you feel heavy about many things in your life as well.  The only thing that brings me any peace is bringing my concerns to God and laying them at His feet.  He is truly the only one that can change these circumstances.  

I will leave you with a Scripture that my friends (who lost their baby) posted on their Facebook wall the day after this happened.  May I have this same kind of hope and faith:

‎2 Corinthians 4:8-18 (New International Version)

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It's All About Perspective

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As women, we want nice things.  We love to shop, we love to browse online, we love to hunt for bargains.  All of those things are fun and nice and good, and I love to do all of the above!  But sometimes I get in a rut, and all I can think about are the things I don't have.  It's discouraging, and I get angry.  Angry that I don't have more money to get the things I want.  I get frustrated and wonder if it will always be like this.  But then a quiet whisper says this to my heart, "Be content with what you have."

And sometimes, when I'm looking at pictures like this:

A little voice inside reminds me of this:

And when I'm looking at pictures of bigger houses (with more than one bathroom):

I'm reminded of the family I know that has lived in a hotel room for over a year (a family of 7).

When I'm complaining that I can't go out to eat because the budget is tight:

I remember my friends who have met the kids who live at the dump, and find their dinner there:

And I am reminded of the verses that say:


^"7For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. ⁸But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ⁹People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction." I Timothy 6:7-9 


^"11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Philippians 4:11-12

I am reminded to be careful that I stay thankful, and that I stay content.  So today I encourage you - whatever that thing is that you've been wanting so badly, find a way to love it and be thankful for it.  That includes me.  And my old refrigerator, and my house with one bathroom.  What will you give thanks for today?

Slow Down

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A recurring theme in many of my conversations with friends lately is that God has been calling us to "slow down."  I've shared previously how doors have closed for me this Fall, as well as for many other close friends I have.

Tonight one of these friends elaborated on this topic and shared that this week, as she sat at a coffee shop with her baby (the first time in a LONG time), she felt like God said, "stop trying to be so busy.  Slow down so you have more time to respond to what I am doing around you."  One of the things that happened to her this week is that she was driving, and saw an older man fall down in the street face-down.  She was the only one around and stopped to help him.  As a crowd gathered and 911 was called, she began to pray for him out loud.  He was unconscious but came to and was taken to the hospital.  That was one moment in her day where she didn't have something planned - and she usually always has something planned.  She recognized that there are opportunities like that all around us, but many times we are too busy to notice or be able to do anything about them.

It reminded me of my experience a few weeks ago, when I was driving alone and witnessed a girl have a seizure.  She was in a parking lot that I was in, and during the seizure, fell backwards hard onto the pavement.  I stopped the car and ran over, to find that I was the first on the scene. After calling 911, I knelt by her side and started talking to her, and she said that she was a pastor's daughter.  I said, "how funny, I'm married to a pastor!"  I asked if I could pray for her and she said, "Yes, Please!"  As she was taken away in the ambulance, I thought, "was that just a coincidence?"  No, I don't think it was.  But it was a moment in time where I didn't have something else going on, and I had the time to respond.  Normally I would have been running late somewhere and unable to notice, let alone stop.

As my life is slowing down in this season, I am reminded that it is okay to not have to fill every moment.  You know why we fill every moment?  Because sitting is uncomfortable.  Being quiet is uncomfortable. Being still in uncomfortable.  And in those moments we often have to face things that are buried deep inside.  But the Fall season of waiting, of being still, of resting, is a healing season.  Instead of trying to escape this season, embrace it.  God wants to open your eyes to new things along the way.

When Fall Comes Early

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(My brother took this photo - he rocks.)

Fall is my favorite season of the year.  The sound of leaves rustling in the wind, the smells of pumpkin pie and warm candles, the decorations, the events....everything.  With the Fall comes amazing beauty - vibrant colors of orange, red and yellows that dot the trees.  Yet towards the end of Fall, the leaves die and fall off the trees, leaving them bare and naked.  We rake up the leaves and throw them away, and await the new buds that will spring on the branches.

Fall is not upon us yet, but I have been attending a Bible study written by my good friend Laura called "Seasoned With Grace."  Through the study, we are delving into the different spiritual seasons we go through in life, which have many similarities to the seasons of nature.  So far we have studied Winter, Spring and Fall.  When she asked me last week, "Is there a season you currently find yourself in?"  The answer to me was clear: I am in Fall.

Fall is characterized by uncertainty, disappointment, dryness, a feeling of uselessness, and sometimes loneliness.

God uses this season in our lives to purify us and get rid of the dead and useless stuff in us: sin, bad attitudes, bad habits, etc.   He uses this season to prune us, so that we may then grow even more and be more effective for him.  He refines us, chipping away at those areas of ungodliness and bad thoughts and attitudes.  It hurts sometimes, but it is good.

A few months ago I had my Fall months all planned out - our schedule, the ministries I was going to be involved in, extra-curricular activities, and more.  Yet one by one every.single.door.closed.  I was left wondering "why?" and "did I do something wrong?"  Yet God kept whispering to my heart that He wanted me all to Himself for awhile.  There was some work He needed to do on me.  Bad habits he wanted to get rid of.  My bad habits have included: not taking care of myself, not being disciplined in my time with God, having a bad attitude, etc.  (I won't go on and on here) ;)

The funny thing was, the more I talked to my friends about my life and their lives, we realized that many of us are in the same season right now.  I have 4 very good friends who feel like life suddenly stopped - what they were doing ended, and they are left wondering why, and wonder what God may have in store.  But maybe what God has in store for us this season isn't outward activity.  It is inward activity.  Kindof like Fall, don't you think?

Laura writes in her curriculum, "Maintaining our focus on God during this season is imperative - it is easy to get discouraged and resist the work he is doing in our hearts if we don't."  (i.e. fill our time up with "stuff" because just sitting and being still before God is too hard).

I have made it my personal goal that during this Fall season of life, at least for 1 month, I will get up an hour earlier every morning.  I will use that time wisely to spend with God - maybe not for the entire hour, but I will be open to how He speaks to me.  I will also go to bed earlier (part of dealing with one of my "bad habits").  I am trying to take better care of my body, and exercise.  So far it's working, because I  have lost almost 5 pounds and feel completely different.  But that's not the point.  The point is, God is doing an internal work, and it is our job to be responsive to it.

If you need encouragement in this area, I encourage you to go over and read John 15.

Remember:
-It is just a season
-God is doing a deeper work
-He is still with you.



(If you'd like to read more on this topic, you can see another post here.)

It's All About Perspective

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There are seasons in life where our circumstance needs to change.
AND
There are seasons in life where our perspective needs to change.

Most of the time, I see life through the lens of my circumstance needing to change.  Almost daily the thought goes through my head, "If only [this situation] was different, I would be so much more [fill in the blank here]."  And most of the time, my circumstance does not change.  If it does, it happens a long time after I needed it to.  When we go through times like this, we often blame God.  We question our faith, we wonder if He has forgotten us, we feel abandoned.  We rarely think, "Ah, maybe I am the problem here!  Maybe my perspective is what actually needs to change!"  Then we start rationalizing how we feel - "God wants me to be happy, therefore He will cause my situation to change so that I can be happy!" - never thinking, "Maybe He wants me to be happy IN this situation I'm in."  We think, "God created me this way.  He made me want to [insert idea here]."  We never think, "Maybe God wants me to do something different with my life than what I thought I was going to do."  So, our frustration mounts against God and we draw a line in the sand - it's us against Him.  He must be doing something wrong, and that's why we are unhappy.

This scenario has repeated itself many times in my life.

When we haven't had money, I have often blamed God.  "You said you'd provide for us, huh?!"  "Well, why aren't You doing it now?"  Instead of changing my perspective: maybe I was not handling my money the way He wanted me to in the first place.  Maybe I wasn't wise with how I spent the money He gave me, and convinced myself I needed things I didn't really need.

When a relationship went sour, I have often prayed for the other person.  "God, please deal with that person's heart.  Convict them, Lord.  Please convict them."  Instead of praying for myself - "God, please show me if I did anything wrong in this relationship.  Help me to focus on myself and getting my heart right before you.  Change my heart."

When my husband was out of work, I have often held a grudge against God.  "How could you do this to us?   If you were faithful, we wouldn't be in this situation."  Instead of, "God, you seem to be leading us in a new direction. Teach us what we need to learn in this season.  Help us to be wise.  Provide for our needs. Help us to be patient until you open the right door."

As I look in the Bible, I read story after story about people whose circumstances rarely changed, yet who were challenged to change their perspective.

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation..." (Philippians 4:12)

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  (I Thess. 5: 18)

"But godliness with contentment is great gain."  (I Timothy 6:6)

Then again, I believe there are times in life where our circumstances genuinely need to change.  The problem we are faced with is determining whether it is our circumstances or our perspective that needs to change.  Here are some thoughts I have about this:

-If your situation can be changed, then change your situation.
(We sometimes convince ourselves that our situation cannot be changed when it really can; it just takes some hard choices).  Are you complaining daily about your job, waiting for God to "rescue" you?  It may mean leaving it and working hard to find a new one.  If you choose to stay, change your perspective!

-If your situation cannot be changed, then change your perspective.
Maybe you are dealing with an illness, or have been affected by someone else's choices.  Those are things you cannot change, which means we have to choose to change our perspective.

-If you don't know if your situation will change, then change your perspective.  
Ask some Godly friends for guidance.  If you need to make a big decision, it is helpful to have other people praying with you.  Get some wise input on your situation, and then determine if it can be changed or not.  If you have to wait on God for an answer or for a door to open/close, then change your perspective.

Knowing we need to change our perspective is harder than actually doing it.  Here are some tips for that:

- Get in the Word. Daily.  It is really the only thing that will continually remind us to change our perspective and see things from God's point of view.

-Stop praying for God to change your circumstance, and instead ask him to change your perspective.  If He wants to change your circumstance, He will.

-Examine your life to see if you are making any bad choices.  Bad choices often lead to sin, which lead to unhappiness, which also lead to not being able to hear from God. This all affects our circumstances and our perspective.

-Surround yourself with Godly people. People who can encourage you and support you, and remind you of God's perspective.

Today I am challenging myself to change my thinking.  Instead of thinking about how I can change the situation I'm in, I am instead going to thank God for that area, and try to change my perspective about it.

Too Comfortable

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"As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew.  They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.  'Come, follow me,' Jesus said, 'and I will make you fishers of men.' At one they left their nets and followed him.  Going on from there, he saw two other brothers, James son of Zebedee and his brother John.  They were in a boat with their father Zebedee, preparing their nets.  Jesus called them, and immediately they left the boat and their father and followed him."  Matthew 4: 18-22 (NIV).

Last night my husband and I had a conversation.  We remembered how back in high school and college we said, "Lord, I'll do anything for you! Anything! Here am I, send ME!"  (We secretly hoped He wouldn't send us to Africa, but we were pretty willing to do anything else).  Well, He never did send us to Africa.  He sent us here, where we are today.

But somewhere along the journey, our prayers changed (well, at least mine did).  They became something like:

"God, I will do anything for you, IF...." (it doesn't mean moving somewhere uncomfortable, my children will be safe, it will be in a good neighborhood, we make enough money to have nice things, we are in a great church, etc...)

It is so interesting to me that when Jesus called the disciples to follow him, they didn't ask ANY questions. They didn't respond with, "Um, hey Jesus!  Where are we going?!"  or "But what about my job?" or "How are we going to have food and clothing?"  They just immediately trusted him and went.

Here's the thing.  Sometimes we become too comfortable.  We don't want to give up our life for certain things God might call us to do.

Here's the thing.  Sometimes we become too afraid.  We don't know if we can trust Him like we used to.  After all, we've been hurt.  Our dreams of what we thought He was going to do with our lives did not happen like they were supposed to.  And now we feel like we can't really trust him again.

I have realized in myself that my life, and my prayers, have become too comfortable.  I want that to change.  I want to be like the disciples - when they heard the call, they were ready to go.  God may call me to stay right where I am for years to come.  Am I okay with that?  God may call me to go somewhere uncomfortable.  Am I okay with that?

Let's get back to how things should be.  Let's pray some dangerous prayers this week.